I know I don’t want any more children…but I’m still a little sad about it.

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So a long time ago an early twenties version of myself wasn’t cut out for motherhood. I’d decided it was something that wasn’t for me. I got engaed at 23, married at 24 and bought my first house at 28. We had a ball for a while partying and holidaying in beautiful places. But towards the end of my twenties I felt a pull and knew being a parent was something I really wanted to experience.

Me and the hubster often joke about the fact that even though both pregnancies were meticulously planned, that we still feel like we have become an unexpected family of four! Do you ever just look at yourself and wonder how you got here? (Can’t just be me!)

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After my first I swore there would be no more (my friends can confirm how adamant I was!) But only two years later; there was our second bundle lying in my arms staring at me. What was it that made me a mother of two? And am I done?

Well to start things off my pregnancies both times were a struggle to put it mildly. I was sick for the full nine months, losing weight and even being induced early second time round because I was so ill. So that immediately puts me off the thought of doing it again. My pain threshold; I have found out is also nil so another labour makes me feel faint! Yet I still went back a second time? I think people are right in a way when they say that you forget quickly. You never forget the pain but you do contextualise it into a manner that makes it something that you feel you could overcome if you wanted to.

For me the decsion making when considering our second was that I never wanted my son to be an only child. There was a huge gap between myself and my brother so I never had a normal sibling relationship with him when we were younger – I mothered him! Yet we are extremely close now and I really wanted that lifetime bond for my son in his future years. Do I want my daughter to experience being a big sister? Not that much!

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Although I love my children, I have never felt that being a mother was something that’s come naturally to me. Yes I am organised, I enjoy ‘mumsy’activities so am able to conjur the image of that craftsy, baking, messy play loving mum that people seem to aspire to. But I still lie at night wondering why I enjoy that minute after they are both in bed so much?! Even now with three years mothering under my belt I feel like a novice. Whereas at work I am in control, at home I feel like I’m winging it! And as a self confessed control freak that is what I find the most difficult.

Money is obviously a factor. How many of us could say it isn’t? More children equal bigger houses, bigger cars and extra household expenditure. To think of having another you wonder what you would cut back on and the impact it would have on the family as a whole. Even when going from one to two we had to consider childcare costs. Which brings me on to time.

Do I actually have enough time for everything going on in my life? I sometimes cut myself in two trying to make time for both kids equally (mothers of three or more avert your eyes before you bitchslap me for complaining!) But I know my quality time with my eldest was impacted when I had my daughter so to add another would be cutting it again. I have a full time job, I bake, I blog and I am a wife. These roles do not just trundle on unaided. Each part of me needs nourished and I am forever watchful of spreading myself too thinly.

Selfishly I feel I am just getting on my feet as a working mother and know that I don’t want anything to unbalance that. This is what makes me believe we are complete. I look at my family and am overwhelmed by happyness(most of the time…when they aren’t tantruming, teething or being total prats!)

So why then do i still feel a little sad?

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Those baby snuggles!

Because everytime I see a squishy baby I still drink in the smell, the sleepy cuddles and the rememberance of first smiles. Of course I block out the night feeds, the colic and the horror of labour! I realise I will never feel that crazy feeling when you do the test and see those two lines appear. I will never experience those first flutters and kicks in my belly again, all the incredible first baby days are gone to me now. I wonder how my daughter would get on being an elder sister rather than the baby of the family. I know how amazing my son has been as a big brother. I also secretly love the idea of a big brood!

But alas the part of my heart that feels that way is vastly overshadowed by the part of my brain that reads me the riot act and tells me we could not afford the wine bills if we were to have another! In all seriousness I know we are done. I have so many more firsts to come with my two children. I have so many wonderful new experiences yet to discover. And even though I am content with the decision it’s ok not to be entirely happy with it. Just like I will never experience that heady first love moment or first date feeling again. In this life there has to be a point where you stop chasing the rainbow and see that you already have a pot of gold. Someone recently told me you would never regret the children you have, only the ones you do not. It is a lovely sentiment but for me I dont want to live my life in perpertual longing. We are already looking forward to the children being old enough to start having some proper adventures. I know parents of one who decided that was them done. I also know mothers of four who are contemplating another because they know their family isn’t complete. There’s no perfect number. Just whatever is pefect for you.

So I know I am done. I am content with my unexpected yet planned family of four.

How do you feel about your family? Do you feel complete or are you already planning the next? Please get in touch I love hearing from you all.

Pam xxx

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61 thoughts on “I know I don’t want any more children…but I’m still a little sad about it.

  1. This is a beautiful post! I am just 18 and we’ll see hat life has to offer! Hahahahaha! Having four children running around the house is sooo nice and I agree that it is equally tiresome… but it just makes the house cheerful!
    ❀
    L.R.
    THE RINK

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel like I can resonate with post so much! Ours were both planned to a tee, yet I look at them and think are these pair actually mine?! I also know that I’m done, even though I get a little sad at the thought of never having another! Thanks so much for sharing with #Blogstravaganza xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so interesting and lovely to read! I’m 19 so not quite for ready for children but it is always lovely to read about other people’s families and how they live their lives! A couple of my fave bloggers are mums who blog about their family life and it is so interesting to read despite me having no experience in it whatsoever!

    Kirsty | The Monday Project | themondayproject.co.uk

    Liked by 2 people

  4. We have two girls, and I know we are done. I did contemplate do we try again to see if we get a boy but I’m in my early 40’s & now with both the girls at school we have found our routine, albeit hectic with work, school runs & the girls social life’s! I do miss baby cuddles though ☺️ #marvmondays

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  5. Definitely can relate – we’re having the ‘shall we have another?’ debate and there’s so much to consider, job, money, let alone how I’d cope as I really struggled during year 1 the last time around! Lots of food for thought here x

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I can definitely relate. We’ve both agreed we’re done as we’ve now had to prem babies. Two seems a good number and we’re counting down until childfree holidays, joking, slightly. That said, knowing I won’t get to have another does make me a bit sad some days as there’s something amazing about bringing that little person into the world and knowing you made them and they are completely reliant on you. Thanks for joining us for #marvmondays x

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I can understand where you are coming from. We’ve have one child and are in the ‘should we have another’ debate right now. My husband and I are on different sides at the moment, with me in the ‘yes’ camp. I feel much the same way as you feel about not having another baby except I know I’m not done. However, it’s not all just about me so if we ultimately decide to stay as we are then I will be content I’m sure (after letting go of any subconscious dreams I’ve conjured) because I have so many exciting times ahead with my amazing daughter! #MarvMondays

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  8. Pam this gave me goosebumps! As a Mum to just one (as we all know lately!! ☺️) I totally understand the sadness part – and I haven’t even decided if I’m going to add another to our brood! Brilliant post. #MarvMondays

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  9. This was lovely to read, and I totally understand where you’re coming from. I definitely miss being pregnant – and I was lucky to have easy pregnancies! We’re definitely done at two, but it’s so magical (and shit) at the newborn stage… argh the contradiction! #TriuimphantTales

    Liked by 1 person

  10. After a horrific birth and NICU experience, i was adamant that Ben was an only child. But now that 100% is dropping. We discussed maybe as he turned one trying again but thats in two weeks and I dont want to be pregnant anytime soon! For now its to be a come back in six months and consider it then kind of situation!
    Thanks for sharing this with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back next week.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! I never would’ve guessed you had a newborn from how well you keep up your blog! #supermom. (Ps. Having 4 is sooooo much fun. Don’t know if I would want to go through the baby-making process at 12 weeks though. 😜)

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  11. This was such a cute read – I am the older sister to a family of 2 kids and I feel like it’s the perfect size! I’m glad that you’re happy with your family size, and even though I’m not a mother myself (yet!) I can understand the feeling of accepting that your decision is the best but still wondering where other paths would have taken you…

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Oh I know this feeling! We are convinced we wouldn’t have anymore as we have no help and my second pregnancy was terrible with my Hyperemesis. But in December I miscarried at 8 weeks and I hadn’t known I was pregnant. I felt under a cloud for weeks. I still don’t think we will have another but as my youngest gets bigger I am mourning a bit that she’s not a baby anymore πŸ˜©πŸ’• #coolmumclub

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  13. I know exactly how you feel! I’ve always wanted a big family, but I do know now that I’m done. I have 4. I absolutely do not want to have another baby, but every time I see one, or think about my littlest growing up, my heart aches. Thank you for sharing your story! #coolmumclub

    Like

  14. I totally get this. We decided to stop at only one for many reasons and but I really get that sentiment of feeling sad at no more children. I think it’s bodies telling us otherwise!
    Thanks so much for linking up to #coolmumclub with this x

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I could have written this 10 years ago. I really wanted a 3rd or even 4th but my hubbie didn’t. We have 2 fabulous teenagers and now it’s too late. Do I regret my decision? No, of course not. We have given them holidays and treats that we would not have been able to do if we had expanded our family. Do I miss my children when they were little? Too right I do and that’s what I get sad about. For ages I thought I wanted more children (and perhaps I did) but I think what I actually wanted was to relive the moments when my children were younger. Does that make sense? Enjoy your little ones lovely. They grow up in a blink of an eye! 😍#blogcrush

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  16. Same here, I know (I’m pretty sure) that we are done at 2 but every time I see a new baby I go all soft and wonder about what it would be like to have another. But I too feel that we are just about getting back a bit of life and starting to feel like we are getting somewhere and a new baby would probably rock the boat so to speak x
    #BlogCRush

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  17. ‘We could not afford the wine bills if we had another’ haha this made me lol!!!! Great post and I completely know what you mean except my head doesn’t have the same control over my heart as yours does because I had baby#3 6 months ago. We are now exhausted, penniless and any holidays for the foreseeable future are going to be very short haul and very stressful. The tone of people I bump into out and about when I tell them how many kids I have has gone from cheerful and admiring to sympathetic πŸ˜‚ Wouldn’t change it for the world though (just don’t ask me if I’m having another 😐) Such a brill post, glad of getting the chance to read stuff like this through #blogcrush

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  18. Oh your post is very similar to mind from this week! Unlike you, I always wanted to be a mummy and I always imagined we’d have a big family. But, I realise now that we’re complete as a family of 4. I was miserable during my 1st pregnancy (lots of complications and feeling really ill) and told my husband in no uncertain terms that we were NEVER having anymore children. I remember saying, “I know people give birth and change their minds. You MUST NOT let me change my mind.” But within a week, I was saying, “Well maybe we could have 1 more!” Haha. But yes we’re done now. And I’m glad you feel a sense of completion now too. #blogcrush

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  19. This is an absolutely beautiful post and I understand the feelings. I have to firmly admit, I feel complete at the foursome plus Gatsby that we are! In fact, it is so hard to imagine when we weren’t all of us, let alone adding more! The struggles come because babies are so damned cute, and mostly smell divine, and when they don’t and they are not yours, you can return them! Love that family every day! SOrry for the late reply! #blogcrush xoxo

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